Oh Rob Ford, wherefore art thou Robbie?

Mayor Rob Ford
Mayor Rob Ford

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and not meant to represent any actual person or organization.

Is Rob Ford for real? Or is he as real as it gets? And what is the man made of? At a quick glance, he might seem equal parts cookie dough and sweat. But upon closer inspection, the closer you look, the more transparent he gets. You could try to dissect him and use the latest nanotechnology to discern the elements that Rob Ford consists of but it’s no use trying.

Countless scientists, politicians, lawyers, left leaning elitists, bike riders, concerned citizens and even a slushi cup have tried, but it seems that nothing sticks on Rob Ford. The Toronto Star – Ford’s equivalent of a crazed stalker fan has thrown everything it can at Ford, but the attacks seems to either slide right off him or even dissolve into his doughy texture, kind of like a black hole sucking up all the light and everything in between.

And who is the man they call Rob Ford? Does he like chicken? How does he spend his leisure time? Any hobbies? We need to know. Somebody from the executive committee needs to get on that Twitter account right away. Imagine a tweet from Rob Ford everyday just to brighten or possibly enrage your day. We would even suggest that he get a reality show (Ford Nation Live) but we realize he does not like cameras in front of his face too much.

If we don’t know the man himself, we can usually get some insight by observing those around him. Who are his friends? What sort of characters does Rob Ford associate with? Reports have varied, some have seen Rob in the company of so called drug dealers and gangs leading people to wonder if Rob Ford might be a kingpin. But then again he was seen appearing at local high school football games guiding and cheering his beloved team of underdog misfits to sweet victory. So is Rob a crime kingpin, or is he a tough but big hearted inner city school teacher who inspires kids to be and do better? His family surrounds him like a strong oak branch holding up his tree fort. His brother is always there for him and his wife even takes phone calls for him. So who is this Rob Ford? Is he a loving and loved family man or is he a philandering fool that pinches butts and slobbers over unattractive women? As you can see, even looking at those around him makes him disappear out of our sight. We are left just as confused as when we started.

Since we don’t know Rob Ford as well as we’d like to think, maybe we can find out more about him if we measure his activities. We know he’s the mayor, but has he been a good mayor for the city of Toronto? Our budget could be a good indicator of job performance, so according to the figures we’ve been running a surplus since 2010 – the year Robbie was elected. In fact for 2012 the budget had a surplus of $248 million. He’s abolished the hated vehicles tax that costs us $60 per year. He took apart the Toronto Community Housing Corp after it was discovered the board members were enjoying the troughs a little too much. He killed the plastic bag fiasco. He privatized garbage collection without complaints. Now Ford is focused on reducing or abolishing the Toronto land transfer tax, which is a double dip opportunity by the city on homebuyers. So far it doesn’t sound too bad. It’s not all good though, he managed to give a poor lady and her kid the bird when they scolded him for talking and driving. He terrorized a Toronto star reporter that was only checking out the land behind him home. He misses the Pride parade on a yearly basis. So yes Rob Ford has been pretty rude, but I guess he’s saving us a lot of money. So what is up with this guy? Is he just a financially prudent asshole?

Okay so following Rob Ford around still didn’t get us our answers so we decided to ask various persons what they thought of our mayor Rob Ford. First we asked a Toronto Star manager and surprisingly he said Ford was like a savior to them. “Rob Ford puts food on our table. Every time we write an article about him, Ford Nation flocks to our site to protect him. Our views are skyrocketing and now we get hits from all over the world. Google ads keeps sending us huge checks, so thanks Robbie! While we were shocked that the Toronto Star loves him, we decided to ask the average Torontonian what they think of mayor Ford. A woman riding a fixed-gear bike tried to run us over when we flagged her down. A man getting on the subway told us to f–k off and stop wasting his time because he was going to miss the train and he’d never hear the end of it from his nag of a wife. He didn’t know why he married her because he was sure if he’d married Sue instead his life wouldn’t be so miserable. At that point we left him talking to himself on the train platform. It seems the average person doesn’t actually care so much about Ford, because they have other pressing matters in their life. Finally we check with Justin Trudeau as to what he thinks of Ford, because if it’s anything that Canadian cares about, it would be Justin Trudeau’s opinion. We were really surprised by Justin’s reaction though. He broke down in tears and when we held him tightly in our arms, he whispered in our ears, “He called me a fag”.

Oh Robbie, Robbie Ford, what are you, what are you? Guess we’ll never know.